Chatting with Lovecraft about Sex

SCENE: Young, exuberant REPORTER sits opposite quiet, horror-writing legend H.P. LOVECRAFT in a small New England sitting room filled with spindly antique furniture which has seen much use. 

Reporter: You can't believe how excited I am to be here. There are so many questions, so many questions, that fans and academics have been yearning to ask you. We all want insight into the worlds you created, the fantastic characters and places, the things named and unnamed. So let's start, shall we?

H.P.: Please do.

Reporter: Right then. How is your sex life?

H.P.: I beg your pardon?

Reporter: Describe your sex life for us. Are you homosexual? Are you asexual? Is that why sex is absent from your stories?

H.P.: (*long pause*) When I write weird fiction, I give you weird. When I write horror, I hope to horrify you. I don't write romance. If I wrote romance, I would include romance. Do you ask Edgar Allan Poe why he doesn't write more about lollipops and sunshine?

Reporter: But you created an entire mythology, and a dream-cycle, and no one has any sex in either of them.

H.P.: My characters are generally fighting for their lives or their sanity. Just when, exactly, do you propose they stop and have sex?

Reporter: Right. Of course. So how long would you say it takes you to achieve orgasm?

H.P.: What did you just ask me?

Reporter: These are actual questions people have discussed. Articles have been written. People want to know!

H.P. (*shifts in his chair uncomfortably*): I am a very private person from an era when a gentleman did not discuss such things and a place where being Puritanically uptight and uncommunicative was a sign of eminent respectability. What on earth or in the Outer Darkness makes you think I would ever discuss a topic as intimate as sex with utter strangers? I don't even discuss it with my friends.

Reporter: Aha! So you're squeamish? You don't like sex?

H.P.: (*now really irritated*) Squeamish? Seriously? Have you read my writing? (*sighs*) If you absolutely must know, I take my husbandly duties very seriously. I researched the topic thoroughly before marriage.

Reporter: Researched.... Does that mean you were a virgin? You were, weren't you! You must have a low sex drive.

H.P.: No, I have a modicum of self-control. I live in an age without reliable birth control, when unwed pregnancy is considered an unredeemable social sin. What sort of gentleman endangers the health and reputation of the woman he loves? Besides....

H.P. STANDS, CROSSES TO MIRROR ABOVE LARGE HEARTH

H.P.: You may have noticed, I am not particularly pleasing to the eye. My own mother said I was "grotesque" and advised me to go outside only after dark, so as not to frighten the neighbors. Advice I continue to follow to this day.

H.P. TURNS, SHUDDERS A BIT AS IF TO THROW OFF OLD MEMORIES, AND RETURNS TO HIS CHAIR.

H.P.: Thus it will be of no surprise to you that I was not overburdened with offers from the opposite sex. Sonia was the first woman who ever kissed me, apart from family. Had she not been determined to prove to me I was lovable, I doubt I ever would have known the congeniality of... of the.... (*hesitates, clearly searching for the perfect words*)

Reporter (*steam-rollers over HP's thoughts*): And is your wife satisfied with your performance? In bed? Your sexual performance? I hear she had more experience than you. I don't mean to say she's a slut or anything.

H.P.: (*very formal, with icy anger*) You are my guest so I shan't punch you. But you will leave this house at once.

REPORTER, SUDDENLY COWED AS HE REMEMBERS JUST EXACTLY HOW MANY PEOPLE DIE GRUESOMELY IN THIS AUTHOR'S STORIES, STANDS.

ENTER SONIA, Lovecraft's wife.

Sonia (*smiling*): Wait, don't go. You want to hear about our sex life first-hand, don't you?

Reporter (*looks at HP nervously, stutters*): I...I....ummm....I....

Sonia: My husband is a very sophisticated and conscientious lover who knows how to please a woman. I have to initiate our encounters, yes, but that's because he was brought up to believe no woman would have him and he doesn't wish to impose himself on me.

Reporter: (*backing toward the door*): So he pleases you. That's good.

Sonia (*her righteous anger slipping past her polite smile*): I didn't just say he pleases me, I said he knows how to please a woman. HE HAS TECHNIQUE.

ENTER FANGIRLS, peering in the windows from outside.

Fangirls: Did she say technique? Do you realize how rare technique is, even today?! Get out of the way, Lame Ass Reporter! Lemme see this guy!

Sonia (*approaching Reporter, who is fumbling for the doorknob*): (*accusingly*) You just want there to be sex in his stories so you can read about women who enjoy their sexuality being ripped apart by eldritch horrors.

Reporter: What? No!

Sonia: He doesn't slut-shame, he doesn't denigrate women as a gender, and sex isn't a part of my husband's stories because sex isn't a punishable crime in his universe. So there must be something wrong with him? It that it?

Reporter (*stumbling out the door*): No! It's not like that. Not all men....

Fangirls: (*pouncing on Reporter*) NOT ALL MEN. He said it! He said the thing!

H.P. (*sotto voce to Sonia, who has returned to his side, indicates Fangirls*): Why are they doing that?

Sonia (*strokes HP's hair affectionately*): Ignore them. That's an entirely different discussion.

Zaftig Is Sexy Too 2

I think this is a beautiful group, and I wish more jobs were given to plus-size models.

Twenty-Five Acts

Houston, we have a problem. 

Okay. So I'm watching Law & Order SVU, which is one of my favorite shows. I've watched all the episodes.

ALL OF THEM. 

And I'm enjoying the new actors this season. Got nothing against the show.

This week's episode - Twenty-Five Acts - was about the rape of an author of a 50-Shades-of-Grey-style BDSM romance.

Now here's my problem - the show went with the premise that the below are truths:

1) Because the author wrote about certain sexual acts, the jury would think she wanted those acts done to her.

2) Because what you write is your personal fantasy.

3) And she couldn't have just researched it. Those sexual acts had to have been inspired by a real man/relationship.

WTF???

Now, I've written a BDSM romance.

On an alien planet.

I've never done any of the BDSM sexual acts in the story.

Neither have I been to an alien planet.

Nor are either of those things my personal fantasy. I'm really not interested in interstellar travel until we get to the space-cruise-ship level. Until then, there's plenty of places on Earth for me to explore.

And the inspired by a real person thing? Oh sure, I'm quite positive I was inspired by real men - who do not know I exist. 

It's called imagination.

Coupled with research.

As with the fictitious book in the Law & Order episode (based on 50 Shades of Grey - itself originally a fan-fiction Twilight tale), this isn't a kiss-and-tell memoir, it's fiction, for pity's sake!

FICTION.

Other types of fiction don't get treated like this.

Nobody asks Stephen King how many hotel ghosts have driven him insane. Or James Patterson how many people he's murdered. Or Tess Gerritsen if she's secretly a serial killer.

Nobody assumes these three have bloody fantasies. Or that they're asking to be possessed/murdered/crime victims.

And certainly nobody believes they've actually done any of the things they've written.

So why do people take for granted that it's imagination and research when it's violence, and lifestyle when it's sex?

Why is writing about consensual sex between two adults shameful and writing about body horror and physical atrocities perfectly acceptable?

I don't know the answer. So I'm asking you.

eBook Prices

How do you put a value on a digital book? It doesn't seem like this should be the conundrum it is.

Paper books are priced to cover the amount it cost to produce them plus a markup for both the publisher's and the bookseller's profit.

Ebooks should be priced the same way, right? The problem is, we assume the production cost will be significantly cheaper because there is no paper and no binding--forgetting that paper is cheap and binding is not especially costly either.

All the costly things--cover art, editing, etc.--must happen in the production of a digital book, just like a paper one. So logically the price isn't going to differ dramatically.

And yet, it doesn't seem right.

Maybe because so many eBooks are "free." It seems like the average price thus should be lower.

But those eBooks are free because either they are classics, antiques, if you will, long ago falling into the public domain, so libraries or volunteers can legally digitize them, or they're new books whose publisher wants to boost word-of-mouth on a particular title or author and is willing to take a financial hit to do it.

Those eBooks still cost time and money to produce, but your tax dollars, the goodness of others, or a marketing plan paid for them.

So, again, digital books should cost about the same as paper.

What about resale value? Maybe we feel digital books should be cheaper because we can't resell them as we can paper books?

That isn't within the publisher's purview. Paper books are not priced with any thought to the used market because neither publishers nor authors get any money from those venues. Why should eBooks be any different?

We aren't automatically entitled to resell things in our possession. Many items you buy cannot be resold, and we accept that. The video games industry may be going toward a used-games-are-unplayable model. That there is no used market for digital books may simply become the standard of the future.

So again, digital books' and paper books' prices shouldn't be that far apart.

But then why, when I am faced with a $12.99 eBook, do I wince?

I've paid $9.99 for eBooks. I'd pay $12.99 for a paperback. And yet I stall at $12.99 for an eBook.

$12.99 is what - the price of dinner for one? Lunch for two? Food you'll never get back (unless it gives you food poisoning and then it will be returned to the world in a state far different from when you last viewed it) whereas an eBook lasts forever. You can even lend it to others and, trust me, no one wants you to lend them your food or other perishables.

$12.99 is a few hours of work at minimum wage to pay for something that took the author months of agony to produce. If the eBook is nonfiction, it might have taken years. And yet we won't shell out our coffee money for it.

Why is that?

I really should buy that $12.99 eBook. I just... argh. Do any of you have this problem?

Identify The Tanks

One of my best friends can name every tank in this picture.

Can you?

That Flu Virus Going Around

So who has been sick recently? Anyone? (Bueller?)

I recently caught whatever it is going around and it is TERRIBLE. Truly. It's on the biologically-engineered-and-weaponized-will-brutally-melee-you-to-the-floor level of terrible.

Started coming down with it at the RT BookLovers' Convention in Chicago, so I had the hotel provide me with chicken soup:

Yes, those are matzo balls in the soup!

Delicious!

My friends Sahara Kelly and Amanda McIntyre swear by stingers as an aide to flu recovery, so I tried that, too:

Not sure if they followed my directions or not. It's supposed to be 3 parts White Creme de Menthe to 1 part... brandy? Now I've forgotten. (The flu virus ate that part of my brain!)

How do you folks combat the flu/flu season?

How Do You GoodReads?

How many of you are on GoodReads? Or any of the few other sites that allow you to keep track of what you've read and share your reviews with friends?

I'm on GoodReads and I've got a question for ya:  Do you only rate books you've read recently? Or within the last, say, 10 years? Or do you not have a cut-off point, and rate even books you read as a little kid?

I ask because I rate everything - and it has been brought to my attention that some books I loved as a teenager might not stand the test of time, and some books I hated at one point I might actually enjoy today -- so my star ratings might not be an accurate snapshot of my current reading tastes.

Does that matter? I suppose it would if you were interested in GoodReads' new if you like such-n-such, you'll like that-n-this matching program. I might miss out on a book I'd like based on an opinion I formed back when I thought boys had cooties.

I have a To Be Read pile taller than my dresser, though, so getting more reading material really isn't a problem for me.

But I'm curious how other people approach this conundrum. How far back do you rate?

Zaftig is Sexy Too

Here I am, in my long underwear because winter is chilly, waiting for my coffee to awaken me of a morning.

Well, no, obviously this isn't really me. It's Hilda, the recurring character drawn by artist Duane Bryers.

I found these images on tumblr but I'm pretty certain they came from HERE and I recommend you check that website out.

What I particularly like about Hilda is the fact that she is plump and yet presented as a pinup girl.

Maybe it's only me, being as I'm fat errr I mean zaftig myself, but I think this image is sexy. Wish there was more art of plump women in popular culture today.  What do y'all think?

Review Etiquette

Every once in a while, you hear about an author who responded nastily to a negative review. This is generally regarded as a good time to get popcorn and lurk for the lulz, because those situations never end well for the author.

Never.

So my advice to authors is ignore bad reviews. Even if it's a totally unfair opinion or you just want to correct this one little thing ----

NO.   Let it go.

Because, however sweet you think you are being, telling someone their opinion is wrong only makes you look like a jerk.

What about the other side of the coin, though? What if you get a really fantastic review that warmed your heart and made your day/week/year?

Is it okay to thank the reviewer? Tell them how much you appreciate it?

Or will that look smarmy, like you're trying to ingratiate yourself with them for future good reviews?

Would it freak the reviewer out, to hear from you, and make them self-conscious about their writing? That could lead to resentment.

What do you think?

Pointing Out the Emperor's (lack of) Clothes

Say you're reading a new non-fiction book. Say you've met the author. Say the topic is a special subject of yours. Not that you, like, obsess over it.

Much.

Not enough to make your relatives worried.

You've just read every single piece of primary source material that you can find. Sat long hours in archives. Bothered librarians to fetch out dusty tomes that cannot leave the room and you really should be using gloves to handle.

Anyway.

You Know about this subject. And in reading this book, you realize that it's...umm.... Not Entirely Free of Errors. Yes. Let's put it like that.

Now, say you have been thinking about writing something on this very same topic. Because you have knowledge to share.

Should you address these errors in your work? In case anyone has read the other book and thinks they're true? Or should you ignore the other book's existence?

In academia, it's fine to politely disprove other people's theories, etc. Or point out sloppy research. But with popular (non-scholarly) non-fiction, would doing so seem like sour grapes?

What do you think?

History vs Historical Fiction

I've got a book idea that could be written as straight true crime historical non-fiction or mystery/romance historical fiction.

Between those two genres, which would you be more likely to read:  history (non-fiction) or historical fiction?

Bored at the Library? Don't Ruin the Floors

Yes, do please go home and masturbate if you are bored. Or over-excited by the University of St. Andrews Library collection.

I love how they add to enquire at the Library Help Desk if you have any questions. Being a librarian myself, I can imagine the Help Desk actually being prepared for such enquiries - having a binder of Places Where It Is Acceptable To Masturbate and Masturbation Etiquette and so forth.

And, of course, now I'm wondering if this is a SECRET, UNRECOGNIZED PROBLEM at American universities. Is this why tuition fees are going up? Professional cleaning for the excessive amount of semen stain on university library floors?

Houston Says, We Have a Problem

Should Texas - a state intimately associated with space exploration - get none of the available Space Shuttles for its museum while New York City, a place with no NASA connections and no museum in which to place it yet, gets one? What do you think?

For Neither Girls Nor Women

Have you seen this new Dr. Pepper advertisement?

There has been some shock expressed at the perceived misogynistic content. 

Good thing those American consumers don't know about the Yorkie chocolate bar wrapper - it's been this way for years:

What do you think?

Amusing or sexist?

I love Shaun Dingwall

Shaun Dingwall.

This man:

Is following me. OMG

I am preserving this brief, shining moment, because I'm certain he will unfollow soon - 

once he realizes how utterly boring I really am. 

That's a new type of anxiety, isn't it? Someone you like and respect follows you on Twitter or Tumblr and immediately you worry that whatever you post is unworthy and will result in unfollows. 

Does that happen to you guys?

The Increase in Typos in Today's Books

If over the past few years you've noticed an increase in typos in published books, you're not alone. And we're not talking small presses here, either. Big New York publishing houses have released their full share of glaring, embarrassing errors.

Well, prepare to be enlightened. These quotes are from an article by The New York Times' Virginia Heffernan on the subject:

Before digital technology unsettled both the economics and the routines of book publishing, they explained, most publishers employed battalions of full-time copy editors and proofreaders to filter out an author’s mistakes. Now, they are gone.

There is also “pressure to publish more books more quickly than ever,” an editor at a major publishing house explained. Many publishers now skip steps.

There ya go. Precisely what you suspected, right?
Then came this quote:

But on the Web, typos sometimes come with a price. “Spelling mistakes ‘cost millions’ in lost online sales,” said a BBC headline last week. The article cited an analysis of British Web figures that suggested that a single spelling mistake on an e-commerce site can hurt credibility so much that online revenues fall by half.

So that got me wondering... which leads to today's question for you ebook readers:

Do you apply this sentiment to ebooks? Do you find you judge ebooks more harshly than print books when it comes to typos?

We all live in a … underwater city that’s not actually yellow

Welcome to Rapture, the underwater city where Bioshock and Bioshock 2 are set.

Although this is one of those Utopias Gone Very, Very Wrong, let’s pretend for a moment that Rapture actually turned out okay.

It’s beautiful, little bathyspheres float you around to different areas, there’s lots of lights and glass – lots of views of the sea life.

Of course, you’re always inside/enclosed (otherwise you’d drown) and there is no sunlight this deep.

So my question for you is this:

Could you live in an underwater city?