Is Your Collarbone Size English, Irish, or French?

When I'm not playing Baldur's Gate 3, I'm generally trying to do some work on my writing. And that requires research. 

I love doing research. So much so, I am often guilty of going down rabbit holes that have nothing to do with what I started out researching. I'm not alone in this, right?  Right?

..... *crickets*

So anyway, I was doing some research amongst old newspapers, as you do, and one search keyword lead to another and I stumbled across this in The National Gazette (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania) from 5 November 1829.  

Okay.

So aside from that last remark about Irish women -- and just what is that, by the way? Is he saying Irish women are "open chested" like French women? Is this some weird way of coding English women as more demure and refined than French and Irish women?  

Ahem. 

Aside from that. 

This "eminent anatomist" has "noticed" French women are shorter and more "open chested" than English women, so decides to make a study of women's clavicles?  Is this science or an excuse to go around touching random women's décolletage? 

He measures the clavicles so... valid science. Definitely. And I have "noticed" that many European chocolates are more creamy and tasty than American ones, so please fund my study into eating chocolate from every country. 

Seriously, this clavicle research sounds more like a naughty schoolboy prank than science. 

The clavicle is your collarbone. So he's not really measuring chests/ribcages, he's measuring shoulders. But if he were talking about shoulder-wideness, the term would be "broad shouldered," not "open chested." 

So I think what he's really talking about is breast size. He's trying to determine which country's women have the larger breasts. 

What does this achieve? I mean, in the field of women's health. How does this study help... anything? 

It's almost as if the study is being done for men to be able to choose the breast-iest country to visit, not for the benefit of women. 

And, historically, that's kinda how the medical field rolled. It's always been done for the benefit of men. 

Women were treated as mere engines of childbirth, inferior to men. They didn't need their own medical research results. Men's results would do just fine.

Is it better today?

Women are underrepresented in clinical trials,  which means they can have more unexpected side effects from medication. 

Women are left out of much medical research,  so it is impossible to know if some diseases or vaccines affect women differently. 

Black women have to fight to get doctors to believe them about their symptoms. Plus size women have the same difficulty. Fighting their doctors' condescension, bias, and racism puts women's lives at risk. 

So, no. The medical field still has a distance to go.

But at least they're not trying to relate breast size to country of residence. 

Secret Societies of the Sword Coast: Exposed || Series: Books Of Baldur's Gate III

Baldur's Gate 3 Early Access recently added Druid as a class one can play, and it is wild. You can shape shift into a cat, and a wolf, and a badger! And more! 

But Druids aren't the only nature-loving faction in the world of Baldur's Gate 3. When exploring the Druid Grove, you discover the existence of Harpers, who are depicted in a beautiful mural. Not so beautiful are the Shadow Druids. The book Secret Societies of the Sword Coast: Exposed has entries for both of them.

Shadow Druids and Harpers

Might we be able to join one of these factions as a Druid? We shall have to wait and see. 

But there's more. Some secret societies hide in the shadows for malevolent reasons. 

 Dark Justiciars and The Order of Klurd

The Order of Klurd reminds me of the Dark Brotherhood. If you've joined the Dark Brotherhood in Elder Scrolls Online, you know that there can be a lot of camaraderie within the, admittedly bloodthirsty, organization, so this could be a cool order to join. 

Of more immediate interest to the player character are the Dark Justiciars. They are a formidable force, and they are believed to be lurking along our path through the Underdark, which is already a difficult and scary place. Also dark. 

Very dark. 

Baldur's Gate 3 (at least so far in Early Access) provides a myriad of choices for the player character, giving you an amazing amount of agency in determining how the plot unfolds. You aren't required to risk the Underdark, you can choose to travel overland. 

However, two of the companions, Astarion and Shadowheart, are interested in the Dark Justiciars. And I think we've established how I feel about Astarion.

So Underdark, here I come. 

A Pleasurable Deal || Series: Books Of Baldur's Gate III

I particularly love this book because it breaks the fourth wall as well as gives you pertinent in-game information. 

Kingsley Harp made his deal to become successful and famous with an "entirely lewd piece of drama." 

I can understand that. **cough cough** romance writer **cough cough**

But beyond the amusement and relatability factors, this text is yet another piece in the Baldur's Gate 3 world tapestry informing the player that making a deal with a cambion is not an uncommon thing in this universe. And making such a deal with a cambion -- or rather the pros and cons and complications of such a deal, are very relevant to you: 

A cambion is half-human half-demon. But it looks like a devil, and deals with the devil go back hundreds of years, at least as far as the late 16th century. Humans don't do well when they interact with the devil, unless you're a phenomenal fiddler:

or you have a phenomenal lawyer:

Daniel Webster was a real person, an American lawyer (1782 - 1852) who lived in, worked in, and represented New Hampshire and Massachusetts.  He was considered the best orator of his day.  His speeches were studied in schools - even during his lifetime. So it's a huge, and believable, compliment that he could out-talk the devil. 

I've never actually seen or read The Devil & Daniel Webster (it started out as a short story). But I've seen the animated Devil And Daniel Mouse. Anyone else seen that? 

Anyway, if we make a deal with a cambion in Baldur's Gate 3, will we permanently lose our soul or will we be able to smooth-talk our way out of it later? 

Or will we be able to find someone offering a better deal to save us?  Only time will tell.

Curse of the Vampyr || Series: Books Of Baldur's Gate III

This book, Curse of the Vampyr, can be found in the library right before the bridge to Minthara. Since Astarion is my game crush, I had to pick it up. 

Cold beauty? Check.

Pale noble? Check.

Charming, with a bite mark on his neck? Check. 

Yep, that's Astarion. 😊

Actually, that's Cazador. 

Cazador is Astarion's vampire sire. Astarion is only a vampire spawn, while Cazador is a cruel, evil vampire. Not sexy. Not sparkling. Cazador is a psychopathic serial murderer.  

And we Astarion-lovers can't wait to kill him, as he was not kind to his spawn.

Astarion's very real fear of returning to Cazador makes him the only companion who approves of continuing to use your special powers, even when negative side effects appear. 

One of those negative side effects is terrible nightmares. In Astarion's case, nightmares of Cazador:

If you've watched any of the many (many!) videos of Astarion out there, you will have noticed Astarion is a very unique sort of vampire.

"It doesn't look broken. Then again, none of us do."

Astarion is both giggly and sardonic, proud and self-effacing, insulting and sometimes kind, thoughtful and chaotic, brave and fearful, intent on saving himself and interested in the rest of his companions. He's multi-faceted and fascinating. 

And he's actually more of a vampire than Cazador. 

Or rather, Cazador is a modern literary vampire. He is a threat, as in Dracula (1897).

But Astarion is closer to the ORIGINAL literary vampire, seen in Lord Byron's Fragment of a Novel (1819) -- the Cool Best Friend. 

The Byronic vampire is the fascinating, talented guy everyone wants as a friend, and if you're lucky enough to become his best friend, you feel flattered and honored that he chose you. 

The bond this type of vampire shares with his (male in this case) best friend is the most important part of his life (un-life).  His human is sworn to keep the secret of his vampire-ness, but honor is all that binds them. 

You'll notice this is the opposite of a Dracula-type vampire. No hypnosis. No madness and eating bugs a la Renfield. (You'll also have noticed Cazador treats Astarion in precisely this Dracula-defined manner, controlling his body, forcing him to eat rats and insects.)

The Byronic vampire may eat blood, but we never see it. It's not particularly important to his story. They are buddies who travel around together. That's the story as Byron wrote it. 

And that's precisely what Astarion offers. 

So if Larian allows the player character to affect their companions' alignment in Baldur's Gate 3, this will fit in perfectly with vampire canon. 

Swaying Astarion to evil, like Cazador, would make him a Dracula-type vampire. Swaying him to good would make him more of a Byronic vampire. 

I look forward to having a Byronic vampire at my side. 

Astarion's Historic and Literary References in Baldur's Gate 3 --- Or Any Excuse To Obsess About Astarion

I love this scene. It's so cute and romantic. 

And, for all those Medieval scholars out there, this scene reminds me of a posy that was often engraved inside Medieval marriage rings: 

Many are thee starrs I see, but in my eye no starr like thee.

This isn't the first time Astarion has made a literary reference. Well, it's not a reference per se. It's... a literary euphemism?

  

I just love the Larian writers. 

Hamsters In SPAAAAACE || Series: Books Of Baldur's Gate III

 The Miniature Giant Space Hamster.

Now, being a HUGE Bioware fangirl, the first thing I thought of upon reading this was.... 

Commander Shepard's SPACE HAMSTER! 

If you had Space Hamster as a pet in Mass Effect 2, you can find your hamster in Mass Effect 3 as well. Space Hamster is even in the Citadel DLC!

There is also a Space Hamster in Mass Effect: Andromeda.  

So how could you NOT think of Bioware's Mass Effect when you think of Space Hamsters?

As it happens, this is PRECISELY WHAT YOU SHOULD THINK OF. 

Back in the day, Bioware was the first studio to develop Baldur's Gate games. In both Baldur's Gate and Baldur's Gate II, a ranger named Minsc has a "Miniature Giant Space Hamster" named Boo in his pack.

It is believed that this Baldur's Gate character, Boo, inspired Bioware to include a Space Hamster in Mass Effect. 

If you watched the Citadel DLC video above, you heard Shepard tell his hamster to "Go for the eyes."  This is what Minsc used to say to Boo. 

Space Hamsters. From Baldur's Gate to Mass Effect to Baldur's Gate. The ouroboros Easter egg. 

Thank you for coming to my TED talk. 😉

Volo and the Marriage Rituals of Goblins || Series: Books Of Baldur's Gate III

On Goblins 

No, Volo. You are not Jaskier. You cannot seduce everybody. No.

This book is found on the bench in the room where Volothamp Geddarm, the bard known as Volo, is imprisoned by the goblin Gribbo. 

She is indeed delighted with his singing, but as she also intends to eat him when she gets bored of him, I believe Volo has severely misinterpreted her interest. 

On a related note, apparently there actually are half-goblins in Dungeons & Dragons (the source material for Baldur's Gate 3).   So Volo is not alone in his interest in...  'marrying' a goblin. In fact, kudos to him for actually being willing to marry her. 

Because... yeah. 

Most half-monster (half-orc, half-goblin, etc) children are generally products of rape. They don't have to be, but it's acknowledged in D&D descriptions that they probably are. 

On the positive side, you could use this backstory to create a complex, multi-dimensional character like Olivia Benson on Law & Order: SVU. 

But as harassment of female players and in-game rapes have been a bit of an ongoing problem for D&D (not just in the Bad Old Days, this is from 2019), dissections of who is having sex with whom and who is raping whom to produce which can be... squicky. 

And no, you can't just 'not think about it' because 'it's pretend'. Women are very aware of how they get pregnant. Women are very aware of the violence that can be perpetrated against them. If you willfully ignore that reality, even in fiction, you are creating a space that tacitly tells women their lived experiences are secondary to your fun.

So how to deal with this? 

Back to goblin marriage rituals. 

In Baldur's Gate 3, goblins are referred to as vermin (by Astarion as I remember) and much is made of how the Absolute has managed to make them a coordinated fighting force. But if you wander amongst the goblins, you'll note they do seem to have a society. Care and training of children. Male and female warriors of equal standing. Worg buddies. 

There's even a book of poetry. Okay, maybe that one was mostly lewd sketches. But humans are known to underline the "dirty words" in dictionaries so we have no moral high ground here.

If you fight on their side, they like you a lot, regardless of your not being a goblin. You can get a dialogue where one goblin pledges to follow your leadership to the ends of the earth. 

So if they experience loyalty, maybe goblins can experience romantic love. Maybe even with non-goblins. And maybe they have marriage ceremonies.

A quick google tells me Clerics can cast a ceremony spell for a wedding in D&D. The goblins have a cleric. 

Maybe Volo is on the right path, renovating half-goblin ancestry to include love-matches consecrated through marriage rituals. 

Will half-goblin become a playable race in Baldur's Gate 3? We'll have to wait and see.

Loviatar and Subverting Your Expectations || Series: Books Of Baldur's Gate III

Once you reach the Goblins' dungeon, there is a side quest which has little to do with goblins and everything to do with the deep world-building in Baldur's Gate III. It's fun, it's funny, and it's a bit kinky.

But thanks to the nearby book, it's also surprisingly compassionate. 

First you have to find Abdirak, devotee of Loviatar. He's located in the center room, the one to the left of the room with Spike, the goblin Wyll is looking for (so you'll already be in the dungeon if you've recruited Wyll). 

Loviatar is the goddess of pain. So Abdirak is dressed in the Mad Max meets 50 Shades outfit you might expect. There is a nod to S&M etiquette, in that there is a "performance" dialogue choice (you're yelling stop but you both know you don't mean it), but otherwise it has no relation to S&M (sort of like 50 Shades 😜). But really, we shouldn't criticize on those grounds because this isn't Earth, it's Faerun. 

If you look at the image of Abdirak below, you'll see he's spattered with blood. This is his own blood. 

Which subverts what you might expect in a dungeon, from a man dressed like medieval Marquis de Sade. 

He also has a very sexy voice. If you wish to experience it yourself, press play. 

Yes, Astarion is my favorite companion. How did you guess? *made certain to get all of Astarion's reactions on video*

So anyway, this is all firmly in the Exploit Sadomasochism For Kicks wheelhouse, right?

Well, if you read Abdirak's book, The Screed of the Willing  (found on the second to top shelf of his stone bookcase), you will discover it is something else entirely.

"In Loviatar's name, I ask you to live."  Loviatar counts all suffering, even the "ache in your soul".  

So if you're depressed, don't give up. Loviatar loves you.

Subverting our expectations, Loviatar is a compassionate, positive goddess. 

For her, pain is associated with life, not death. If you hide from heartbreak, you'll miss the joys of the world. 

Embrace your ability to feel pain, it makes you superior to the gods. Only mortals can truly live.

It would have been easy to just plop this scene into a dungeon as a Kinky Encounter, 'Nuff Said. 

Instead, with this lore book, we get actual reasons why someone might worship Loviatar, how this goddess referred to as the "Mistress of Pain" could be the center of a viable religion, not just a one-off kink. 

And I am here for it. 

Baldur's Gate - The Peacock Rule || Series: Books Of Baldur's Gate III

I first realized the importance of reading the books scattered about the countryside in Baldur Gate 3 when I came across this volume:

It explains why No Dogs Are Allowed in the city of Baldur's Gate.

This is relevant to a conversation you can have with a tiefling couple in the Druid grove. So then I wondered, what other cool lore is out there, lurking in books, just waiting to explain points of the game to me? 

Hence this series. 

NOTE: I am unfamiliar with Dungeons and Dragons (the source material for Baldur's Gate 3) so I shall be looking at these books and their subjects as presented in game, and only in game.

How Tall is Astarion from Baldur's Gate 3?

On February 2nd, Larian Studios quote tweeted the official Resident Evil twitter account, revealing the height of a certain fan-favorite vampire from their game currently in Early Access, Baldur's Gate III.

Many twitter residents were surprised or saddened to learn Astarion is 'only' 5'9" (or 175 cm). 

Others considered 5'9 to be just right, since it was still taller than they were. Which is not surprising because 5'9 is not that short. In most of the world, it's considered average or even tall.

And this normally would be the end of the story. We have a canonical height, delivered by the official twitter account of the game developer. 

But.... 

Pjenn found this dialogue lurking in the Patch 4 game files. It is UNRELEASED, UNFINISHED dialogue, so I'm only showing the frame containing the pertinent information.  

You will see that here, in the game itself, Astarion's canon height is 5'11" (or 180 cm). 

This is considered tall, no matter where you live. (Google it if you don't believe me.)

So, which is it? Which one are you accepting as canon?

I have a terrible time visualizing size, so I'm happy as long as Astarion is taller than I am. Which means I'm fine with either one. 

Although if I ever write fanfic with Astarion.... I'll probably go with 5'11. My husband is 6'1 and they do say 'write what you know.' 😜

The Reason There Are No Dogs Allowed In Baldur's Gate (Baldur's Gate 3)

If you are playing Baldur's Gate III Early Access, as I am, you will have noticed in Patch 4 there is a new scene with Lae'zel and that adorable tiefling couple. The tieflings are talking about having a cat as a pet, since dogs aren't allowed in the city of Baldur's Gate, and Lae'zel asks what a cat is.

Watching this, you might wonder, why aren't dogs allowed?

The answer to this question can be found among the books in the Arcane Tower in the Underdark:

No animal larger than a peacock may gain entry to Baldur's Gate.   

It's a city restriction, and it seems to be unpopular, at least with bear owners. What they will do if you're a druid and turn into a bear or a badger while in the city is anyone's guess. 😉

Obviously there are no toy dogs in Faerun, thus no dogs allowed in Baldur's Gate.

The Ballad of Darien Gautier

Long, long ago, when Elder Scrolls Online first appeared (2014), I fell in love with a character named Darien Gautier.

(Darien is voiced by Jon Curry, of Zevran Arainai fame (he's also the American-accented Inquisitor in Dragon Age: Inquisition, and you've probably heard his voice in a bunch of other BioWare and Bethesda games). So if you easily fall in love with voices, like me, you know where I'm coming from here.)

And---miracle of miracles---he fell in love with me!!!

(YES, although Zenimax won't let you flirt with ANYBODY ELSE, you CAN flirt with Darien. Bless the person who made this possible by working in some flirt dialogue choices. You are my hero.)

So when y'all are about to go up against the huge, final boss, you can get dialogue like this:

(happy sigh)

And you get dialogue about what we're going to do when the fight is over:

As the "beautiful hero of Coldharbour," I was definitely looking forward to a drink and a neck massage. And there was no reason to expect I wouldn't get it. From the moment we became a couple, Darien had been saying we'd be together, that we'd find each other after the battle, no matter what:

So my character is quite invested in this relationship. As well as saving the world, of course. Y'know. That, too.

*big, dramatic boss fight*  *yay victory*

And then.....

DARIEN DIED.

*sobbing*

Except we couldn't find his body so THERE WAS HOPE.

I played all the different sides of the ESO conflict, and I waited.

2015
One day, I was reading all the books in Orsinium, because that is something I do. (There is Important Lore to be found. Shut up.)

ANYWAY,  in the library of the Temple of Ire, I came across this:

Me: *high pitched dolphin shrieks* THIS IS DARIEN ISN'T IT IT'S GOT TO BE DARIEN OMG

*turns over page*

Me: *more high pitched dolphin shrieks*  IT DARIEN!!!

I told everybody on Twitter. Darien was trying to come back to me.

And I kept the faith.

2016
I wander into a Mages' Guild library in Anvil, and there is fellow Darien fangirl Gabrielle Benele, looking for Darien. I'm all like, "I HAVE A CLUE FOR THIS!!!"

So it's not just me. A Darien rescue could be on the cards.

And since then I've been waiting.

Waiting.

2018
In 2018 came the release of ESO Summerset. I was really hoping I'd learn more about Razum-dar, the charismatic Khajiit. Maybe even be able to flirt with him!

But no.

Nope.

Raz is present, but there's very little personal interaction.

And then I heard the Golden Knight's voice and I was like.... Is that...??!!

IS THAT...??!!

Meridia herself confirms that, YES, THE MYSTERY IS FINALLY SOLVED.

Now, you can see by this timeline that Zenimax Online has been playing a very long game here. Respect. I'm disappointed I still cannot flirt with Razum-dar, but RESPECT for remembering that there are Darien fangirls awaiting Darien's return. And for giving us some love:

It was truly nice to interact with him again.

So I did NOT expect him TO DIE AGAIN.

Even though it's been long enough that none of this should be "spoilers," I'll skip over exactly HOW he dies and just mention the important bit:  THIS TIME THERE WILL BE NO BODY. 

I'm like, NO. YOU CANNOT DO ME LIKE THIS, ZENIMAX.

So I hold out hope that somehow Meridia will give him back to me.

Then, at the end of Summerset, I hear a mysterious book has teleported to the victory celebration.

IT'S DARIEN I KNOW IT'S DARIEN

You may want to mute the sound on this clip as you read. That's Rigurt's laughter in the background.
(I adore Rigurt the Brash, it was so cool to meet him again, though his maniacal laughter can be unsettling in this context. The context of IMMA STAB THAT DAEDRIC BITCH.)

All I can say is this better not be the end of Darien Gautier.

Bethesda has announced the upcoming release of ESO ELSWEYR in June 2019. I have wanted to visit Elsweyr since Oblivion (2006) so, yeah, I'm gonna be there.

And my two greatest hopes for this expansion are:

1) I GET TO SHIV MERIDIA. IN THE FACE. TAKE THAT, GLISTER WITCH. GIVE ME MY DARIEN BACK.

2) I get to flirt with some Khajiit. Preferably Razum-dar. But, hey. ANY flirting would be nice.

Because, on that second point, I don't understand why I can wander the open world killing everything in sight, but I can't flirt with anyone. WTF, Zenimax Online/Bethesda?? What's up with that??

I mean, there are tons of games on the market where I can kill things. And some days, that's all I want. Give me a bow and point me toward the draugr.

But what makes an RPG game like Elder Scrolls endure, what makes it re-play-able, what gives it legs and positive word of mouth, is Emotional Investment. I want to care about the characters and the storyline. Throw in some flirting/personal stuff so I can pretend it's not just a linear path, it's something I chose, and thus I affected the world, or our little corner of it.

Let me have my Darien.

May The Dread Wolf Take You

                           May the Dread Wolf take you...

Inquisitor: And he did.

Solas: No I didn't. I'd never have sex with you under false pretenses.

Inquisitor: Yeah, you didn't TAKE me---like you PROMISED, by the way---instead you TOOK ME IN. TOTALLY BAIT AND SWITCH.

Solas: I never promised to have sex with you.

Solas: Okay. Maybe... that MIGHT... have implied we were going off to have sex. But---

Inquisitor: And when we walk off screen, what happens? THIS:

Inquisitor: I think we're going for romance but instead you tell me something I valued IS CRAP and then BREAK UP WITH ME FOREVER. I mean, I know you're a Trickster God but that is some Fade-level deception right there.

Solas: I do have a beautiful voice, though.

Inquisitor: Yes. Yes, you do. You bastard.

Solas: So you're still going to romance me again on your next play-through, right?

Inquisitor: Probably.

The Truth Is Out There (And Loghain Knows It)

So y'all already know I'm re-playing (for the umpteenth time) Dragon Age: Inquisition.

Whenever you begin a game, there are a few training quests you have to do, to familiarize the player with how everything works. One of these quests involves the quartermaster, Threnn.

Threnn is a Loghain supporter. In her dialogue, she talks about how Loghain was a hero---he didn't betray the Grey Wardens at Ostagar, he saved his own troops.

Me: No, no, no! That's not how that went!

Because, y'know, I played Dragon Age: Origins. I was there! But that's just one crazy bitch person. Doesn't matter. Shrug it off.

Then Solas gives us a "both sides" viewpoint on Ostagar.

Both sides are the truth??

Me: NO, SOLAS, YOU LYING SACK OF WEASELS, THAT'S NOT HOW TRUTH WORKS!!

Again, I was there. Loghain didn't withdraw his troops to save them. He withdrew his troops as part of his betrayal of the Grey Wardens.

This pet peeve has grown, and just become more irritated, over the years of my playing this game. (And maybe it's been exacerbated by the real-world war on facts and truth and both-sides-ism.)

ANYHOW.

One of the play-throughs I currently am running (yes, I said "one of," don't judge me, shut up), has Anora ruling alone as Queen of Ferelden, Alistair dead (or drunk), and Loghain as the Grey Warden who helped end the Fifth Blight.

Aside: Do you ever get that loading screen that says something like, "Experts disagree if the Fifth Blight was truly a Blight"? If you do, do you also yell, "It was SO a True Blight!" at the screen and feel personally offended?

So anyway, Loghain Mac Tir is my Warden. This means all-new cut-scenes for me, new dialogue. WHOOT!!!

Then suddenly, THIS:

You can imagine my surprise. After all this "Loghain was a hero" crap, LOGHAIN HIMSELF ADMITS HE BETRAYED THE GREY WARDENS. 

And later in the Fade:

Loghain AGAIN admits his guilt in everything that happened to Ferelden in Dragon Age: Origins.

I'm like, YES!! FACTS ARE FACTS! IT IS POSSIBLE TO KNOW THE TRUTH! THANK YOU, LOGHAIN!

Loghain knowing he is guilty and having repented is kind of touching. It leads to Loghain getting the best send off as Person Chosen To Fight The Nightmare.

Is that beautiful and heroic or what? In his end is his beginning---once again a noble, self-sacrificing warrior. And most people would never hear this because, I'm thinking, for the majority of players, Loghain didn't survive Dragon Age: Origins.

As far as epic farewell lines go, the only other one that comes close is Sarcastic (Purple) Hawke's, "WHY IS IT ALWAYS SPIDERS?!!"

But getting back to Loghain, his being the best send-off is especially cemented by Varric speaking his epitaph:

I rest my case.

Also, if you're wondering what Varric is talking about when he refers to Loghain's early life, you need to read The Stolen Throne.  Loghain was a hero before he became a villain. (The books also explain why Loghain hates Alistair, something poor Alistair doesn't even know.)

Not Even The Dwarves Remember The Dwarves quote (plus NUGS) Dragon Age: ...

I just like this clip because of the truth of the lore. No one alive remembers the Deep Roads at their height, thus even the dwarves don't remember the dwarves.

And nugs! Nugs are always brilliant.

Is Bioware Giving Us FanFic Prompts?

I giggled when I heard the surgeon NPC say this. Surely someone, somewhere has used this as a smutty literature fanfic prompt? I just adore Bioware. (And Dragon Age.)

(Sorry it's so dark, but it's the words that are important.)

Vivienne's Victory (Dragon Age Inquisition)

Recently I decided to replay Dragon Age: Inquisition and, amazingly, since I've played it through SOOOOO many times (over 20 and I stopped counting), I'm actually finding new cut-scenes.

For example, I never got this scene before, so thought I'd share in case anyone else was like me.

I generally don't get Vivienne's personal quest until late in the story, and apparently I never speak with her after Bastien dies, after the scene where she talks about funeral planning. I just go straight for the main story ending. I didn't realize Vivienne had more to say. And I thought she liked me....

Conversation I Had With My Cat Tonight

Me:  Why aren't you eating your canned food?

Cat:  It's in my orange dish.

Me:  ... And?

Cat:  The canned food goes on my white plate. Treats go in my orange dish. This canned food is in my orange dish. It is not a treat.

Me:  But you love your canned food.

Cat:  Yes.

Me: ...

Cat: ...

Me: ...

Cat:  I'm still not eating it.

Me:  Right. I'll scoop it out and put it on the white plate. Geez. Are you an excellent driver, too?

Cat:  I do not get that reference.

Me:  Sorry. It's from Rain Man.

Cat:  Remember, you are speaking to a cat.

Me:  Oh. Yeah.

Cat:  And I prefer Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man.

Me *hands over the now filled white plate*:  If you wake me up tonight with a clawed paw on my cheek going, "IS...IT...SAFE?" I am cutting your TV time right down to zero. Now eat your canned food.

Cat: nomnomnom

Damsel is a Word not a Trope

I have noticed lately a trend in which the word "damsel" is used as short-hand to mean "damsel in distress."

As in:
"I need you to scream for me."
"Like a damsel?"

Or:
"I imagined a story where I didn't have to be the damsel."

This chaps my hide.

"Damsel" is not an intrinsically pejorative word. It simply means "young, unmarried woman." The word itself has no relation to powerlessness.

In fact, according to the New Oxford American Dictionary, the word damsel comes to us (by way of French) from the Latin domina which means mistress, as in a female master.

So the entire foundation of the word damsel is rooted in power.

It just happened to share the same first letter as the word distress, and thus someone, who confused alliteration with wit, coined "damsel in distress."

To conflate the "damsel in distress" trope with the actual word "damsel" is NOT A GOOD THING. 

Because -- remember, damsel by itself just means woman -- what you're actually saying is:

"I need you to scream for me."
"Like a woman?"

Or:

"I imagined a story where I didn't have to be the woman."

When the word those screenwriters were really looking for is VICTIM.

"I imagined a story where I didn't have to be the victim." 

That is what Dolores should have said in the most recent episode of WestWorld. The show has rubbed our faces, across multiple episodes, in the victimization of Dolores, beating us over the head with how she is intended to be raped and murdered. That's her storyline, because that's all the men who visit WestWorld want -- to rape and murder an innocent farmer's daughter.

But her being a woman isn't the thing that needs fixing. She can be a woman -- a damsel -- who fights back. She can be a damsel hero. A Big Damn Damsel Hero.

What she wants fixed is her role of victim falling foul of evil, murderous men.

And the word WOMAN is NOT a synonym for VICTIM.

I don't care that what you really meant to refer to was the trope. What you're SAYING and what people are HEARING -- whether consciously aware of it or not -- is that women are victims. They have no other role. They can't be heroes. Women are by default "in distress"-- so much so that you don't even have to add the "in distress" part, you just say woman and the audience will fill it in on their own.

Oh, and only women can scream, apparently. That's adult women for ya, sniveling, crying, screaming. Men never do that.

I've only seen the trailer for that Tarzan movie, not the movie itself, but apparently the scream/damsel exchange was considered important because it's in said trailer. WHY?? Why does that merit a spot in the trailer? That's how our heroine is defined, is it? Ooh she's better than Ordinary Women, she's not a damsel!

Of all the comebacks she could have snarled, and this being a period piece, she could have spouted some very worthy phrases of disdain (I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR), all she does is throw shade on damsels? 

You can do better, screenwriters.

If for no other reason than the fact that "I imagined a story where I didn't have to be the damsel" is an ehh line given strength by the situation, but "I imagined a story where I didn't have to be the victim" is MOVING, with call-backs to all the scenes of victimization we've witnessed before, where Dolores, Special Victim Extraordinaire, takes back her power and violates her programming to defend herself.

Eschewing stereotypes and trope trigger words in favor of being ACCURATE is just BETTER WRITING.

Try it.

Why Is It Always Planets?

I only recently was able to watch STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS. And I have a question about the Star Wars universe, in general.

Why is it always planets?

Original Star Wars (the 1977 movie) had the Death Star and destroyed Alderaan and I get that. Special effects of that type were totally new, and it made an impact. It also proved how irrevocably, irredeemably EVIL the Empire was.

Except of course, it WASN'T irredeemable. Somehow the most irredeemable character WAS REDEEMED. (Don't get me started.)

Back to the Death Star.
Even though it had a total major design flaw, the Empire decided to rebuild the Death Star for Return of the Jedi.
I guess because thinking you can repeat the exact same motions and they'll result in a different outcome is one definition of madness and the Empire is pretty insane? I dunno.

Anyhow.
Death Star 2 is also destroyed. And in spectacular ignorance of the saying, "the bigger they are, the harder they fall", the First Order decides that the problem was IT WASN'T BIG ENOUGH.

So now we have Starkiller Base, which can destroy five planets at a time, in contrast to the Death Star's measly one.

Which I suppose makes the First Order MOAR EVIL.

But honestly, did we need that?

The human brain can only process so much. Does the audience feel five times the shock as we did at the annihilation of Alderaan? Do we have time to feel *anything* before the plot moves on?

I believe we felt for Alderaan because we felt for Princess Leia. There is no emotional touchstone for those five planets. They're just fridged. They existed to be killed. And it's a waste, because they don't provide any particular motivation for our main characters that those characters didn't have already.

Not even the special effects justify it. We see awesome special effects all the time now. It's not 1977 anymore.

You may scoff, and say these quibbles are outside of the movie's reality. And you'd be right.

But I've got a problem with Starkiller Base WITHIN the reality of the movie.

Let's say I'm General Hux (because I'm assuming he's more likely to make calculated, strategy-based decisions on behalf of the First Order than Kylo I-do-what-I-want Ren). I would think the entire concept of Starkiller is a Really Bad Move strategically.

I get that the people on those planets are A Problem. And the First Order wants to Make An Example.

BUT WHY DESTROY THE PLANETS?

Each of those planets has flora, fauna, and mineral wealth. They have infrastructure, machines, factories, libraries. Why destroy all those resources when you could use them to strengthen the First Order?

ALSO

If you wipe out a galaxy, doesn't that make traveling in that area more difficult? Like those "Last Gas for 100" miles signs? Take away all those planets and you impair the First Order's future logistics for shipping, refueling, and combat staging.

So I'd be ordering the brain trust that designs Evil Weapons to create a contagion - and requisite delivery system - that kills people, dissipates rapidly, and leaves the animals/ecosystem/infrastructure and other planetary wealth intact.

Because that is totally what the First Order needs. It would make empire building much cheaper, easier, AND more difficult to fight against because the delivery system could be mobile, and there could be multiple iterations, because it wouldn't have to be THE SIZE OF A PLANET ITSELF.


I was just getting warmed up on how this could actually work, and how you could make the special effects for that shit really scary, and it wouldn't have the same science-related problems that planet explosions have, but I've deleted it all because really, who needs that sort of Evil? And maybe that's the problem.
Maybe these thoughts are TOO EVIL for the Star Wars universe.

*sigh*

This is why I write Happily Ever After Romance.

Because at heart I'm really a Psychotic Space Ginger. *headdesk*