Now, being a HUGE Bioware fangirl, the first thing I thought of upon reading this was....
Commander Shepard's SPACE HAMSTER!
If you had Space Hamster as a pet in Mass Effect 2, you can find your hamster in Mass Effect 3 as well. Space Hamster is even in the Citadel DLC!
There is also a Space Hamster in Mass Effect: Andromeda.
So how could you NOT think of Bioware's Mass Effect when you think of Space Hamsters?
As it happens, this is PRECISELY WHAT YOU SHOULD THINK OF.
Back in the day, Bioware was the first studio to develop Baldur's Gate games. In both Baldur's Gate and Baldur's Gate II, a ranger named Minsc has a "Miniature Giant Space Hamster" named Boo in his pack.
It is believed that this Baldur's Gate character, Boo, inspired Bioware to include a Space Hamster in Mass Effect.
If you watched the Citadel DLC video above, you heard Shepard tell his hamster to "Go for the eyes." This is what Minsc used to say to Boo.
Space Hamsters. From Baldur's Gate to Mass Effect to Baldur's Gate. The ouroboros Easter egg.
No, Volo. You are not Jaskier. You cannot seduce everybody. No.
This book is found on the bench in the room where Volothamp Geddarm, the bard known as Volo, is imprisoned by the goblin Gribbo.
She is indeed delighted with his singing, but as she also intends to eat him when she gets bored of him, I believe Volo has severely misinterpreted her interest.
On a related note, apparently there actually are half-goblins in Dungeons & Dragons (the source material for Baldur's Gate 3). So Volo is not alone in his interest in... 'marrying' a goblin. In fact, kudos to him for actually being willing to marry her.
Because... yeah.
Most half-monster (half-orc, half-goblin, etc) children are generally products of rape. They don't have to be, but it's acknowledged in D&D descriptions that they probably are.
On the positive side, you could use this backstory to create a complex, multi-dimensional character like Olivia Benson on Law & Order: SVU.
But as harassment of female players and in-game rapes have been a bit of an ongoing problem for D&D (not just in the Bad Old Days, this is from 2019), dissections of who is having sex with whom and who is raping whom to produce which can be... squicky.
And no, you can't just 'not think about it' because 'it's pretend'. Women are very aware of how they get pregnant. Women are very aware of the violence that can be perpetrated against them. If you willfully ignore that reality, even in fiction, you are creating a space that tacitly tells women their lived experiences are secondary to your fun.
So how to deal with this?
Back to goblin marriage rituals.
In Baldur's Gate 3, goblins are referred to as vermin (by Astarion as I remember) and much is made of how the Absolute has managed to make them a coordinated fighting force. But if you wander amongst the goblins, you'll note they do seem to have a society. Care and training of children. Male and female warriors of equal standing. Worg buddies.
There's even a book of poetry. Okay, maybe that one was mostly lewd sketches. But humans are known to underline the "dirty words" in dictionaries so we have no moral high ground here.
If you fight on their side, they like you a lot, regardless of your not being a goblin. You can get a dialogue where one goblin pledges to follow your leadership to the ends of the earth.
So if they experience loyalty, maybe goblins can experience romantic love. Maybe even with non-goblins. And maybe they have marriage ceremonies.
A quick google tells me Clerics can cast a ceremony spell for a wedding in D&D. The goblins have a cleric.
Maybe Volo is on the right path, renovating half-goblin ancestry to include love-matches consecrated through marriage rituals.
Will half-goblin become a playable race in Baldur's Gate 3? We'll have to wait and see.
Once you reach the Goblins' dungeon, there is a side quest which has little to do with goblins and everything to do with the deep world-building in Baldur's Gate III. It's fun, it's funny, and it's a bit kinky.
But thanks to the nearby book, it's also surprisingly compassionate.
First you have to find Abdirak, devotee of Loviatar. He's located in the center room, the one to the left of the room with Spike, the goblin Wyll is looking for (so you'll already be in the dungeon if you've recruited Wyll).
Loviatar is the goddess of pain. So Abdirak is dressed in the Mad Max meets 50 Shades outfit you might expect. There is a nod to S&M etiquette, in that there is a "performance" dialogue choice (you're yelling stop but you both know you don't mean it), but otherwise it has no relation to S&M (sort of like 50 Shades 😜). But really, we shouldn't criticize on those grounds because this isn't Earth, it's Faerun.
If you look at the image of Abdirak below, you'll see he's spattered with blood. This is his own blood.
Which subverts what you might expect in a dungeon, from a man dressed like medieval Marquis de Sade.
He also has a very sexy voice. If you wish to experience it yourself, press play.
Yes, Astarion is my favorite companion. How did you guess? *made certain to get all of Astarion's reactions on video*
So anyway, this is all firmly in the Exploit Sadomasochism For Kicks wheelhouse, right?
Well, if you read Abdirak's book, The Screed of the Willing (found on the second to top shelf of his stone bookcase), you will discover it is something else entirely.
"In Loviatar's name, I ask you to live." Loviatar counts all suffering, even the "ache in your soul".
So if you're depressed, don't give up. Loviatar loves you.
Subverting our expectations, Loviatar is a compassionate, positive goddess.
For her, pain is associated with life, not death. If you hide from heartbreak, you'll miss the joys of the world.
Embrace your ability to feel pain, it makes you superior to the gods. Only mortals can truly live.
It would have been easy to just plop this scene into a dungeon as a Kinky Encounter, 'Nuff Said.
Instead, with this lore book, we get actual reasons why someone might worship Loviatar, how this goddess referred to as the "Mistress of Pain" could be the center of a viable religion, not just a one-off kink.
This is relevant to a conversation you can have with a tiefling couple in the Druid grove. So then I wondered, what other cool lore is out there, lurking in books, just waiting to explain points of the game to me?
Hence this series.
NOTE: I am unfamiliar with Dungeons and Dragons (the source material for Baldur's Gate 3) so I shall be looking at these books and their subjects as presented in game, and only in game.
On February 2nd, Larian Studios quote tweeted the official Resident Evil twitter account, revealing the height of a certain fan-favorite vampire from their game currently in Early Access, Baldur's Gate III.
Many twitter residents were surprised or saddened to learn Astarion is 'only' 5'9" (or 175 cm).
Others considered 5'9 to be just right, since it was still taller than they were. Which is not surprising because 5'9 is not that short. In most of the world, it's considered average or even tall.
And this normally would be the end of the story. We have a canonical height, delivered by the official twitter account of the game developer.
But....
Pjenn found this dialogue lurking in the Patch 4 game files. It is UNRELEASED, UNFINISHED dialogue, so I'm only showing the frame containing the pertinent information.
You will see that here, in the game itself, Astarion's canon height is 5'11" (or 180 cm).
This is considered tall, no matter where you live. (Google it if you don't believe me.)
So, which is it? Which one are you accepting as canon?
I have a terrible time visualizing size, so I'm happy as long as Astarion is taller than I am. Which means I'm fine with either one.
Although if I ever write fanfic with Astarion.... I'll probably go with 5'11. My husband is 6'1 and they do say 'write what you know.' 😜
If you are playing Baldur's Gate III Early Access, as I am, you will have noticed in Patch 4 there is a new scene with Lae'zel and that adorable tiefling couple. The tieflings are talking about having a cat as a pet, since dogs aren't allowed in the city of Baldur's Gate, and Lae'zel asks what a cat is.
Watching this, you might wonder, why aren't dogs allowed?
The answer to this question can be found among the books in the Arcane Tower in the Underdark:
No animal larger than a peacock may gain entry to Baldur's Gate.
It's a city restriction, and it seems to be unpopular, at least with bear owners. What they will do if you're a druid and turn into a bear or a badger while in the city is anyone's guess. 😉
Obviously there are no toy dogs in Faerun, thus no dogs allowed in Baldur's Gate.
Long, long ago, when Elder Scrolls Online first appeared (2014), I fell in love with a character named Darien Gautier.
(Darien is voiced by Jon Curry, of Zevran Arainai fame (he's also the American-accented Inquisitor in Dragon Age: Inquisition, and you've probably heard his voice in a bunch of other BioWare and Bethesda games). So if you easily fall in love with voices, like me, you know where I'm coming from here.) And---miracle of miracles---he fell in love with me!!!
(YES, although Zenimax won't let you flirt with ANYBODY ELSE, you CAN flirt with Darien. Bless the person who made this possible by working in some flirt dialogue choices. You are my hero.) So when y'all are about to go up against the huge, final boss, you can get dialogue like this:
(happy sigh) And you get dialogue about what we're going to do when the fight is over:
As the "beautiful hero of Coldharbour," I was definitely looking forward to a drink and a neck massage. And there was no reason to expect I wouldn't get it. From the moment we became a couple, Darien had been saying we'd be together, that we'd find each other after the battle, no matter what:
So my character is quite invested in this relationship. As well as saving the world, of course. Y'know. That, too.
*big, dramatic boss fight* *yay victory*
And then.....
DARIEN DIED.
*sobbing*
Except we couldn't find his body so THERE WAS HOPE.
I played all the different sides of the ESO conflict, and I waited.
2015
One day, I was reading all the books in Orsinium, because that is something I do. (There is Important Lore to be found. Shut up.)
ANYWAY, in the library of the Temple of Ire, I came across this:
Me: *high pitched dolphin shrieks* THIS IS DARIEN ISN'T IT IT'S GOT TO BE DARIEN OMG
*turns over page*
Me: *more high pitched dolphin shrieks* IT DARIEN!!!
I told everybody on Twitter. Darien was trying to come back to me.
And I kept the faith.
2016
I wander into a Mages' Guild library in Anvil, and there is fellow Darien fangirl Gabrielle Benele, looking for Darien. I'm all like, "I HAVE A CLUE FOR THIS!!!"
So it's not just me. A Darien rescue could be on the cards.
And since then I've been waiting.
Waiting.
2018
In 2018 came the release of ESO Summerset. I was really hoping I'd learn more about Razum-dar, the charismatic Khajiit. Maybe even be able to flirt with him!
But no.
Nope.
Raz is present, but there's very little personal interaction.
And then I heard the Golden Knight's voice and I was like.... Is that...??!!
IS THAT...??!!
Meridia herself confirms that, YES, THE MYSTERY IS FINALLY SOLVED.
Now, you can see by this timeline that Zenimax Online has been playing a very long game here. Respect. I'm disappointed I still cannot flirt with Razum-dar, but RESPECT for remembering that there are Darien fangirls awaiting Darien's return. And for giving us some love:
It was truly nice to interact with him again.
So I did NOT expect him TO DIE AGAIN.
Even though it's been long enough that none of this should be "spoilers," I'll skip over exactly HOW he dies and just mention the important bit: THIS TIME THERE WILL BE NO BODY.
I'm like, NO. YOU CANNOT DO ME LIKE THIS, ZENIMAX.
So I hold out hope that somehow Meridia will give him back to me.
Then, at the end of Summerset, I hear a mysterious book has teleported to the victory celebration.
IT'S DARIEN I KNOW IT'S DARIEN
You may want to mute the sound on this clip as you read. That's Rigurt's laughter in the background. (I adore Rigurt the Brash, it was so cool to meet him again, though his maniacal laughter can be unsettling in this context. The context of IMMA STAB THAT DAEDRIC BITCH.)
All I can say is this better not be the end of Darien Gautier.
Bethesda has announced the upcoming release of ESO ELSWEYR in June 2019. I have wanted to visit Elsweyr since Oblivion (2006) so, yeah, I'm gonna be there.
And my two greatest hopes for this expansion are:
1) I GET TO SHIV MERIDIA. IN THE FACE. TAKE THAT, GLISTER WITCH. GIVE ME MY DARIEN BACK.
2) I get to flirt with some Khajiit. Preferably Razum-dar. But, hey. ANY flirting would be nice.
Because, on that second point, I don't understand why I can wander the open world killing everything in sight, but I can't flirt with anyone. WTF, Zenimax Online/Bethesda?? What's up with that??
I mean, there are tons of games on the market where I can kill things. And some days, that's all I want. Give me a bow and point me toward the draugr.
But what makes an RPG game like Elder Scrolls endure, what makes it re-play-able, what gives it legs and positive word of mouth, is Emotional Investment. I want to care about the characters and the storyline. Throw in some flirting/personal stuff so I can pretend it's not just a linear path, it's something I chose, and thus I affected the world, or our little corner of it.
Solas: No I didn't. I'd never have sex with you under false pretenses.
Inquisitor: Yeah, you didn't TAKE me---like you PROMISED, by the way---instead you TOOK ME IN. TOTALLY BAIT AND SWITCH.
Solas: I never promised to have sex with you.
Solas: Okay. Maybe... that MIGHT... have implied we were going off to have sex. But---
Inquisitor: And when we walk off screen, what happens? THIS:
Inquisitor: I think we're going for romance but instead you tell me something I valued IS CRAP and then BREAK UP WITH ME FOREVER. I mean, I know you're a Trickster God but that is some Fade-level deception right there.
Solas: I do have a beautiful voice, though.
Inquisitor: Yes. Yes, you do. You bastard.
Solas: So you're still going to romance me again on your next play-through, right?
So y'all already know I'm re-playing (for the umpteenth time) Dragon Age: Inquisition.
Whenever you begin a game, there are a few training quests you have to do, to familiarize the player with how everything works. One of these quests involves the quartermaster, Threnn.
Threnn is a Loghain supporter. In her dialogue, she talks about how Loghain was a hero---he didn't betray the Grey Wardens at Ostagar, he saved his own troops.
Me: No, no, no! That's not how that went!
Because, y'know, I played Dragon Age: Origins. I was there! But that's just one crazy bitch person. Doesn't matter. Shrug it off.
Then Solas gives us a "both sides" viewpoint on Ostagar.
Both sides are the truth??
Me: NO, SOLAS, YOU LYING SACK OF WEASELS, THAT'S NOT HOW TRUTH WORKS!!
Again, I was there. Loghain didn't withdraw his troops to save them. He withdrew his troops as part of his betrayal of the Grey Wardens.
This pet peeve has grown, and just become more irritated, over the years of my playing this game. (And maybe it's been exacerbated by the real-world war on facts and truth and both-sides-ism.)
ANYHOW.
One of the play-throughs I currently am running (yes, I said "one of," don't judge me, shut up), has Anora ruling alone as Queen of Ferelden, Alistair dead (or drunk), and Loghain as the Grey Warden who helped end the Fifth Blight.
Aside: Do you ever get that loading screen that says something like, "Experts disagree if the Fifth Blight was truly a Blight"?If you do, do you also yell, "It was SO a True Blight!" at the screen and feel personally offended?
So anyway, Loghain Mac Tir is my Warden. This means all-new cut-scenes for me, new dialogue. WHOOT!!!
Then suddenly, THIS:
You can imagine my surprise. After all this "Loghain was a hero" crap, LOGHAIN HIMSELF ADMITS HE BETRAYED THE GREY WARDENS.
And later in the Fade:
Loghain AGAIN admits his guilt in everything that happened to Ferelden in Dragon Age: Origins.
I'm like, YES!! FACTS ARE FACTS! IT IS POSSIBLE TO KNOW THE TRUTH! THANK YOU, LOGHAIN!
Loghain knowing he is guilty and having repented is kind of touching. It leads to Loghain getting the best send off as Person Chosen To Fight The Nightmare.
Is that beautiful and heroic or what? In his end is his beginning---once again a noble, self-sacrificing warrior. And most people would never hear this because, I'm thinking, for the majority of players, Loghain didn't survive Dragon Age: Origins.
As far as epic farewell lines go, the only other one that comes close is Sarcastic (Purple) Hawke's, "WHY IS IT ALWAYS SPIDERS?!!"
But getting back to Loghain, his being the best send-off is especially cemented by Varric speaking his epitaph:
I rest my case.
Also, if you're wondering what Varric is talking about when he refers to Loghain's early life, you need to read The Stolen Throne. Loghain was a hero before he became a villain. (The books also explain why Loghain hates Alistair, something poor Alistair doesn't even know.)
